10.06.2006

Drunkblog: Canucks V Carter

Let's see...whiskey? Check. Coke? Check. NHL Center Ice? Check. Food? En route.

OK, it's time then. I just was subjected to the strange Blue Jackets (called henceforth BJ...snicker snicker) mascot skating around as their team was announced. I tuned out honestly...the puck drops shortly and drinking needs to be done.

7:14 PM - the lady singing the anthems is interesting. At first glance I thought she was hot. But then they zoomed in on her...I take it all back. Man, I made my drink strong. That or my standards are dropping. Either is a fair bet.

7:19 PM - Bieska takes an early penalty. And they score in three seconds. All the joy from last night is gone. I have to drink more now.

Now Luongo stops a two on one and then stones Carter who was all alone in front. I can't handle Carter scoring and listening to this crowd cheer. If Carter scores, I may need to kill something. Canucks look terrible right now.

7:33 PM - I think, as a public service, I need to start grading American broadcasters. These BJ guys are questionable, but not terrible just yet. The play by play guy I feel like is overselling almost everything to the point where I'm laughing every time his tone changes, which is quite frequent. And sadly that's the best part of the game so far. Canucks STILL look terrible. Luongo is the man, this game could be 3-0 at this point without him.

7:40 PM - The color commentator chimes in now with a gem, "The fastest pads in the NHL belong to LeClaire". My, that seems a bit much. Jan Bulis takes a penalty. He's on my shit list...in just two games. Clearly, it doesn't take much.

7:51 PM - The period finally ends. The Canucks looked a lot better towards the end of the period, but still, nothing to write home about just yet. Gallant, the BJ coach, looks like he should be a wrestler. I don't know why, but he looks like he'd be a surly drunk which I assume makes a good wrestler. Speaking of surly drunk, I'm getting there...

8:14 PM - Start of the second now. Honestly, I think the broadcasters are paid to hype these BJ lads. Both the color and play by play guy are pimping LeClaire like he's the ugly girlfriend at a dance and you have to explain to your friends why you picked a horse to show up in public with. It's getting sort of retarded. The Canucks need to score on this guy so I can hear how these announcers sell it. 'Nucks look far better this period.

8:18 PM - I see Bertuzzi scored a PP goal. Good for him. And Auld seems to be doing ok...oh, right back to the game I'm getting tanked too. The announcers just called LeClaire Luongo...maybe they're drunk blogging too. It's an epidemic! Look what Vancouver Canucks OpEd started! Canucks are badly outshooting the BJ's this period, something has to snake in. Or a well-timed PP for Vancouver would be nice too.

I recognize I'm harping on these announcers, but the game is just plodding along so I have no choice. Anyway, he just Bieska "Bleeska". That's it, they are drunk too. Perhaps more, I feel I have to exert myself more. OK, shots for everytime Bulis and Pyatt anger me. (I'll be dead by the third period)

8:30 PM - I just realized the Yankees are playing, which explains the noises coming from my neighbors. I see the Big Unit is pitching for them....I LOVE that nickname. That's solid as fuck (which, yes, is very solid). It's a shame Chara couldn't grab that nickname...he's intimidating enough, but with that name, he'd be unstoppable.

BJ's take a penalty. Canucks need to score on Luongo, er, LeClaire.

8:35 PM - Canucks powerplay looked, generally, terrible. They have dominated this period but not one player seems to be standing out nor does any one guy seem to be a legit threat in the offensive zone. I do think the different lines are still learning the nuances of their linemates, but seriously, this is getting depressing. Canucks need a spark or a swift kick to the crotch.

8:43 PM - Fuck. Three straight penalties leads to a rather long 5-on-3 and, SHOCK, the BJ's score on a flukey goal. The announcers, at this point, I think are giving each other hand jobs every time LeClaire's name is mentioned. That or they are on some strange sales plan where they get a free taco for every mention of him. But anyway, the second period is over and the Canucks seem they don't have a clue. Every criticism of the team, seemingly erased for one evening thanks to kicking Detroit's ass, is spot on now. No one can score, too many penalities, and Luongo can only do so much. Someone...ANYONE...needs to lead this team in the third period. The BJ's aren't that amazing, it's just that Canucks are just that poor so far. MORE BOOZE MORE BOOZE MORE BOOZE...

9:00 PM - Yankees losing = good. Panthers winning = OK I guess. Auld still let up two. I've resorted to putting on my old Brashear #8 jersey and my Canucks knit hat. Fuck, I'm doing this and it's the second game. I'm willing to do this if it means we score once. Just once...please?

I feel like I should explain my hatred for Ohio. It's not the people really, but one person. And I don't know his name. But a few years ago this one guy got up on some stage in Columbus and proceeded to shoot Dimebag Darrell, guitarist for Pantera and at the time of his death DamagePlan, and that still angers me. I am a drummer and grew up on, amongst other bands, Pantera one of the great thrash bands of my youth. Darrell was a killer guitarist and I fear I have no choice but to hate the entire state for the acts of one man. Forgive me.

9:10 PM - Canucks still can't get much going. They are controlling the play in the neutral zone, but can't mount any semblance of a solid attack. Shit, did I just use the word semblance? I'm not drinking enough or I get rather verbose when I am tanked. Either or, I'm slowly getting very pissed. It's starting to feel like last year and that feeling annoys me. I blame Carter.

9:19 PM - Fuck, my sweater worked! Salo...or Kesler...or some Canuck just scored on the man advantage. To quote Dumb & Dumber..."Sooo....you're saying I have a chance? YEEEEES!" For the record, the announcers could only say that their best friend LeClaire had no chance on that shot. I should have guessed that. Time for shots!

9:30 PM - MORE SHOTS!!!! D. SEDIN!!! H. SEDIN!!! MY JERSEY!!!! DRUNK BLOGGING!!!! LUUUUUONGO....FUCK YEAH!!!! My dog just gave me a strange look and walked out of the room. Can a dog give its owner attitude? Is that permitted?

9:33 PM - Spank my bottom, I had no idea they'd come back and get a point for their hard work. A giant difference from last year's team that would have laid over and died...the Canucks kept coming. Fanfuckingtastic. By the by, Malhotra has been my favorite BJ player so far. That guy can fly and makes me nervous everytime he's on the ice. Time for OT...let's roll 'Nucks!

9:36 PM - Daniel Sedin wins it! Are you shitting me? Did I just watch a Canucks team fight back in the third and win in OT? Are you seriously fucking kidding me? Honestly, what a great ending. They started poorly but played their team-first concept all the way to OT and the Twins basically win the game. Luongo, again, is worth every penny.

Drunk blogging rocks. I don't even know if any of this made sense. But before I forget, my grade for the Columbus broadcasters is a straight C. They are entertaining in their inability to pronounce names and also for their shameless bias...but I can't blame them much since they have to sell hockey to a midwestern audience. That said though...less booze next time boys and perhaps don't call LeClaire the second coming of christ when the game is halfway through. Just a thought.

GO CANUCKS GO!!!

2 comments:

hoopsjunky said...

Nicely done. Alanah would be proud. :)

Mike said...

I know, I wrote her afterwards to thank her for fine model of how to mix hockey and a computer from the comforts of your own couch. Although this morning was another story entirely...wow.