Gettin’ Ornery for Humanity 2007

So the 2006-07 experiment has yielded some new franchise records, an assault on one NHL record, a hell of a streak since Christmas, the emergence of Taylor Pyatt, the Sedins going apeshit offensively in tandem, a coach with a level blood pressure and normal hair, the return of some wildly bad hair, the coming out party for Beeska, our most clutch goal scoring "goon" since Odjick (Gino deserved bras being thrown too) and, oh yeah, that smile-happy Luongo guy and his cute, busty wife.

And, the first of the post-lockout era, a date to the party.

The last time we saw the Canucks even attempt playoff success was against the Flames in 2003-04 (Ah Cookie). But it was really the 2002-03 (shit, that was a long time ago) playoffs that saw the team do anything remotely positive like get out of the first round. I distinctly remember watching that second round game seven match against the Wild, rooting like a meth addict at the top of my lungs only to watch Dupuis, bouncing pucks and Cloutier sprawled on his ass (his normal stance really) to bring all of it to a crashing halt.

(An aside: Am I the only one who almost wants to face Detroit just so Mitchell and Bertuzzi have to murder each other again in opposite uniforms? Hmmm, maybe.)

But the slumber is over and now we get another chance to pull for this team to do anything besides getting their ass handed to them in four straight. We'll know more about that possibility when the bracket is set and I can get my full hate-on for some poor city and its fanbase. As for now, the simple joy of knowing I am not left with baseball for another spring is a gift onto itself. Nothing like playoff hockey, period. End of statement.

That said, I proudly present the inaugural "Gettin’ Ornery for Humanity" (and perhaps the only one if it doesn't flow as I hope). What is "Gettin’ Ornery for Humanity" you ask? After much thinking while stuck on the bus in traffic this week, I came up with a trifecta concept for you, the faithful invisible blog readers, that will last for as long as the Canucks are in the playoffs (that piece is important). The three promises are:

#1. I will drink between 4-5 drinks a game.
Now, before I even begin to hear it, I'm not a 20 year old frat boy with an liver made of titanium. I'm a 28 year old who needs to get up and likely work the next day. So don't give me lip for not promising 10 drinks a period plus shots for every penalty. I will keep it between 4 and 5 depending on how the game goes and what night of the week it is. Perhaps I’ll up this amount should they go further, we’ll see. But, worst case scenario of 4 series of 7 games each means that I'll down 140 drinks for your enjoyment. Well really my enjoyment. But don't say I don't sacrifice for the sport. However, the fact I'll be doing this will help...

# 2. I will liveblog 3-4 games a series.
Again, I have a life and a three hour time zone to deal with it so I can't promise all seven. OK, if they go the whole way I will, but let’s stay in reality here for now. I will do my best to do the majority of the series games in this fun filled manner so you have something to read that’ll be obscenity-laced and angry with a pithy thought thrown in here and there. I'm sure some other good souls will be doing something similar. In fact, I can almost guarantee it.

# 3. I will donate money to a charity in the opponent’s city for every Canuck win.
Here comes the humanity portion. Seeing how the Canucks SHOULD (it pains me to link to this clown) make some noise this spring, I am of the mind that the opponents will be sadden by their anemic attempt to stop Vancouver and that it's only fair to, instead of gloating, help them assuage that hurt in anyway I can. So, as a single guy with a good paying job and time to burn (clearly), let's rock this scenario: every Canuck win nets a charity to be named in the enemy city a cool 25 bucks; therefore a glorious Canuck series victory nets some worthy cause in enemy territory a crisp C note donation. Should the Canucks even tease us with a Cinderella run like previous Northwest Canadian teams have (cough cough) for the Cup, I'll up the amount per game for the last two rounds. So even if Vancouver ultimately loses, someone outside the hockey world wins.

There's the “Gettin’ Ornery for Humanity” plan: I get to drink to playoff games (which rewards me), I will rant incessantly and try my best to make it coherent (which rewards you the reader or, at worst, will give you a headache) and, barring a sweep in the first round (no, I didn't just say that and you didn't entertain the thought; forget and move on), some group(s) out there will get some Yankee Canuck hard-earned. Not a bad deal all around.

Feel free to let me know your thoughts in the comments or you can email me if you prefer. What you like, dislike, all that good stuff. This is either a great idea or one of the dumbest.

That said, bring on the first round already, I'm ready to get my anger on.


Jenny said...

Great links in the blog today :) I enjoyed reading it ! :)

I'm as happy as all get out about the Canucks clinching a playoff birth - anything could happen now !!!

now if only we could clinch first in the division and get rid of those pesky wild! :D

GO canucks go

i thinkt hats a great idea about donating money to the enemie's charitys :D good on ya :D

Mike said...

Hey, I like it. Can't think of too many ways that you'd actually look forward to being out that much cash. Very noble!

Mike said...

Jenny - First and the division title would be nice, but it seems like it won't make much of a difference for the first round. It's such a mess. I'm personally holding out for the Sharks because I think they're overrated. Dallas would bore me to tears so thank god I'm drinking to it anyway.

Mike - thanks man, much appreciated. I love the double edged sword of it all...the further the Canucks go, the happier I'll be despite the fact I'll be out more and more money along the way. Like I said, can't tell if it's a good idea or completely illogical. So far I'm liking it though!

Temujin said...

I'm game for number one! Woo Hoo!

Zanstorm said...

Hey dude. I'm 32 and I drink a 26-er for most Canucks games! What's your excuse? yuk yuk.

You ideas are great. Nice work! I'll be keeping tabs on ya.

Mike said...

If you drink 26 beers per game, your liver should be nominated for some sort of award. If it's a weekend game, I'll double the amount easy...but man it's tough to sit in meetings or train people when the room is spinning!

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